Nearly a year ago, caught in the middle of the hardest mindfuck I'd
ever endured up till that point, I got drunk in a small Canadian town
and took a dumb leap of faith. I told a woman I barely knew the
biggest, heaviest secret I carried. (It was, in truth, not such a big
deal. But I have so few secrets that it felt enormous.)

In the immediate aftermath, I was horrified. That night, I was
surrounded by people whom I'd known much longer and better than I knew
that woman - people who would seem to have had a much better claim on
the status of my sudden confidante. But the bar was noisy, dark and
crowded; I'd had a few cocktails; my inhibitions were down and I
suddenly went with my gut feeling. It was something I almost never

She, in turn, revealed a few things to me. And so, a friendship began,
in tumbled whispershouts against the background din of other people's
laughter; on a furtive, madly giggling walk through a skin-searingly
cold northern night; with a sigh of relief and a smile of abject

I've always had a reverent view of this sort of female friendship.
Perhaps because it is so hard to come by - REAL female friendship, I
mean. Not frolicsome and fickle sorority "sisterhood"; not attachments
of shifting mutual convenience; not sticky gossip mills and subtly
intra-vampiric "support groups."

I guess I am trying to say, it's hard to find a girl who will tell you
that you look fat in that skirt; but without making you FEEL fat; with
an immediate suggestion for an outfit that you WILL look great in; and
without ever rejoicing in her momentary superiority to you.

You can have wonderful male friends; and, heck, you can have a great
time at sorority parties. But, to me, there is nothing like the energy
of meaningful female interaction. And I've only felt that energy a few
times in my life.

It's something to be cherished and recognized as rare and precious.
Even if it comes to an end, it should be treated with respect and
dignity. And if it merely hits a snag - as all relationships do -
attempt to get through it. If you fucked up - done something
questionable, wrong, even ugly - fess up, talk about it, and just be
honest. One of the miracles of the female soul is its deep capacity
for compassion. Trust yourself and the remarkable women in your life,
that honesty and compassion will prevail over almost any drama.

I've had a few wonderful days lately. Hell, I've had a couple of
incredible years lately (in a very personal sense). I've seen and done
more - and become more - than I could ever have imagined a few years
ago. And the best of it has been with the help of a few amazing women
I've met along the way. Amazing women who encouraged and enabled me,
and, perhaps most importantly, gave me permission to tell myself (and
the world) that, while I may not be perfect, I'm sure as hell not
broken. And they gave me that permission freely and generously, merely
by being that light they wished to see in the world.

I so often feel grateful to these women who made a real, cognizable
and extraordinarily valuable difference in my life. I almost never say
anything. I don't even know if they realize it. But, whether they read
this or not, it's how I feel.

Love you, my bitchez :)


  1. In a world like this one, its good to know a few people can have complete faith in a friendship.

  2. Wow. Your definition of "real female friendship" hit my Gynergy spot. Seriously. Even if all we have sometimes is a litany of what it doesn't mean, i.e. "Not [merely] frolicsome and fickle sorority 'sisterhood'; not attachments
    of shifting mutual convenience [definitely]; not sticky gossip mills and subtly
    intra-vampiric 'support groups' [right. no thanks]."

    And, btw, you summed up what life is all about for me, i.e. allowing others freely and generously, merely by being that light I wish to see in the world. of course that comes down to choice moment by moment as well.

    Thanks and ditto. Gushy gynergyastic (??) love to you too. :-)

  3. I can't tell you how much this has lifted me today. I've been at a low point, questioning my purpose on this planet (not in a suicidal way, mind you), but just feeling a bit like the storm that's hit St. John's. No, actually, not like that, since this weather bomb has energy whereas mine has been non existent. Just a day of self-pity mixed with foreboding, stirred with a smidge of wallowing. Little things add up sometimes.

    Then, I started to feel a small shift (thank da fuck) and along came your blog and it pushed me upwards. Kind of like all these women you describe who can hoist you up with their insights, knowing, and non-sugar coated nurturing. The low carb, high energy boost. Your words did that for me today (you're my nut bar).

    It's beautifully written, Renata. Thank you for sharing it with me. It means SO much.

    Love you and miss you much. btw, Rufus has been saving all his kisses for you.




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